On May 25th, I woke up like it was Christmas morning. Today was the day I was going to see the little one in my tummy. After 18 weeks of wondering what I was having and dreaming about being a parent with Cimaron, we were getting closer and closer to meeting the new member of our family and were already very proud parents.
As we drove to the imaging enter, Cimaron and I talked about how happy we were that we were going to get to see our little baby and find out what it was so we could get started with all of the fun stuff (picking names, preparing the nursery, etc.) I ended up arriving before Cim and the tech took me to the room and had me lay down. She was about to get started when she realized my husband wasn't with me, so we waited a little while. When Cim got there she didn't waste any time getting started.
Before I knew it, she was asking me if I had been bleeding or cramping at all. I said, "No." Then she asked if I had miscarried before. I said, "yes." She showed us the one of its legs and took measurements of it's head, which measured to be a couple weeks behind what it was supposed to be. Cimaron and I kept trying and trying to convince ourselves that everything was ok. Then she said, "This is probably going to hit you like a lightning bolt but..." As she paused a million thoughts of what could be wrong went through my head, "a limb isn't developing like it should, down syndrome, a heart defect?" Then she said, "I'm sorry." She told us that she would talk to the other technician just to be sure, but it looked as if our baby stopped developing around 15 1/2 weeks.
I couldn't believe this was actually happening! AGAIN! Sure, I had spotted at the very beginning of this pregnancy, but our doctor said she wasn't worried since the baby had a strong heart beat. The strong heart beat that we heard at 15 weeks. The heart beat that gave our doctor confidence enough to tell us that we could start telling people.
I felt like MY heart was going to stop beating. I turned to Cim and started crying. I couldn't stand the thought that I wasn't going to be a mom NOW and the little boy or girl that I already loved so much wasn't going to be here in October. After a few minutes of crying, we were sent to the Woman's Center to be seen by my doctor. Upon arrival, we were told to wait in the waiting room full of pregnant women who were about ready to explode and new mom's with their freakishly cute babies. Even though I know none of those women would have really wanted me to feel this way, it felt like they were rubbing it in my face that my dreams had just been shattered 10 minutes ago.
My doctor was shocked. She couldn't believe that the baby's heartbeat she had heard 3 weeks ago had stopped a couple of days after she listened to it. She said that there was no explanation for what happened and told us to be prepared for no answer as to why it happened. After this, she started to explain our options on how to get the baby out of me. She explained that a D and C would be risky because of the size of our baby, but she had the experience and could perform the procedure if we wanted to follow through with that option. Our second option was to actually deliver the baby. This would mean that I would go in to the labor and delivery department, be induced, receive an epidural, and so on. Our second option was the one she strongly recommended because there was little to no risk involved. We chose the second option. I would go in to labor and deliver on Saturday.
Going home was rough to say the least. Full of tears and prayers. Cimaron had to go into work for a couple hours to report on the sentencing of Brian David Mitchell. I don't know how I made it through those hours... I tried to sleep, but it was hard not to think about everything. People were sending me text messages letting me know how much they loved me. I would cry because I was glad they were thinking and praying for us. Then I would keep crying because reality kept sinking in with every message.
Cimaron got home pretty quickly, but it felt like it took forever. We went to Wendover that night because we didn't want to be sitting at home. I don't have much to say about this trip. Wendover is a hole. People have told me this, but sometimes you just need to figure things out for yourself I guess. On the bright side, Cim got to see the salt flats... and probably won't ever want to see them again :)
Eventually, Friday came and Cimaron's sister Derolene brought us some delicious food to get us through the next couple of days. Our friends Brantt and Emily and my parents came later that night to visit. It was nice to have them there to distract us from worries and concerns that we had about the next day. It's always a comfort for me to see my parents. They always know what to say to make me feel better or calm me down. I went to bed at midnight, thinking I would call in the morning and I would be in labor and delivery by seven. I only had seven more hours. The anticipation was killing me and I thought I would never fall asleep, but I did.
On Saturday morning I called in at six to make sure they had room for me. The nurse told me that they didn't have any open rooms yet, but told me to call back at nine. I called back at nine. She told me that they had a room, but they didn't have enough nurses on staff for me to come in. She told me that if I didn't call before eleven, to call back. Luckily, they called me at ten-thirty and told me to be there by eleven. This was it, the moment I had been thinking about for the last 3 days. I was terrified. I was expecting to go through all of this on October 26th. I know that the extra months filled with anticipation probably wouldn't have made me feel better, but I knew that I would be able to get through anything. Because after all, I would get to cuddle and kiss my little baby after it was all over. Now it was a different story. I was going to go through everything and not have my little one to cuddle in the end.
We arrived at the hospital right on time. I was hooked up to my IV and induced within the hour. After four hours, I finally started to feel some cramping. I asked for my epidural before it got to be painful. I thought receiving the epidural would be the worst part. The local anesthetic was the most painful part, and it wasn't even that bad. Even though it wasn't painful, I started to hyperventilate because I psyched myself out. All of a sudden my ears were ringing and I felt like I was going to pass out. The anesthesiologist said, "Don't pass out, or we'll have to start over." I tried everything I could to stay awake, including talking about how I hated the Beatles but love the Backstreet Boys and Def Leppard (they thought my taste in music was odd). When it was over, I asked the anesthesiologist if there were any side effects I should notify them about. He said, "Yeah, any metallic taste in your mouth or numbness above your waist." I looked at him and said, "My hands are numb!" He laughed at me and pointed to the IV, "I haven't even hooked you up to the medicine, you're still hyperventilating." I felt silly. Before he left I told him that it wasn't bad at all and that I would spread the word for him to make his job easier. So... I'm doing that now. Epidurals are freaking awesome. If you've ever given plasma, epidurals are cake.
After eleven hours of labor, I was dilated enough for baby to come. Fortunately, I didn't have to push and everything went really smoothly. At 11:03 pm, our little baby came. They let us know that it was a boy. I had suspected this all along!
My doctor started asking for a camera and asked if she could take some pictures to show her colleagues (normally I would object, but I figured it was for medical purposes). She explained to us that the umbilical chord had wrapped around our little guy's neck 2-3 times. She told us that she hadn't seen this in her eleven years of private practice and four years of residency. She was confident that this is what had caused our baby to stop developing. I felt immediate relief. Nothing was wrong with me, and nothing was wrong with Cim. It was just a very uncommon incident that shouldn't happen again.
We had a little while to be alone with our baby boy. He had perfect little toes and fingers. Believe it or not, I could tell that he had Cim's nose. To anyone else he probably would have looked different, but to us he was beautiful and perfect. We decided to name him
RAY
He brought us such happiness during the time I was pregnant and even in the short moment we had with him. He was and always will be our little
SUNSHINE.
